Hey, y’all!! I’m just gonna dive in. So pull up a chair and let’s talk anger.
One of my closest friends has taken the step to go to therapy
Not for anything crazy or obvious, but just to find out more about himself. He told me about something his therapist said that I find infinitely fascinating. She said that “anger is a trigger that means that a boundary has been broken”.
Which then made me start thinking about all of the times I’ve been angry. And that most of those instances stemmed from perceived boundaries broken, either by myself or others. I think that most of us tend to consider anger as a negative emotion. But I don’t really like that description. Emotions are really just identifiers of our current state of being.
But is anger always a good thing?
While anger itself might be a wake-up call, too much or protracted anger can unfavorably impact us. Think about the number of times anger has evolved into something else, like rage or a grudge. Something that was once an indicator of wrongdoing became something sinister and self-harming. Grudges never end well for anyone, and rage can only result in pain.
There is a quote from the Buddha that says “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Which rings true in most cases. Think about a grudge. The more you dwell on it, the more it burns you up inside, and the more it disrupts your peace and your life. And the more you think about it, the easier it becomes to think about it (shout out to the brain).
So how do we utilize and/or address anger?
Well, anger is an indicator that a boundary has been broken, either by yourself or another. So the first thing to do is to forgive the aggressor. For the most part, people aren’t actively trying to hurt you. Hell, they might not even realize they’ve done anything wrong. And in some cases, even if you bring it to their attention, you might not get an apology. And all of that is ok. You have to find a way to forgive that person, so you and possibly the relationship can heal (I’ll get to the possibly in a sec).
Second, you should bring that feeling to the person. But, and this is CRUCIAL, when you are not angry. There’s a quote that says “don’t promise when you are happy, don’t reply when you are angry and don’t decide when you are sad.” This is really important because you’re more likely to say something that makes the whole situation worse when you are upset. So do it while calm, and preferably while all parties are sober (learned that one the hard way :D). That way you can articulate how you feel, and be willing to accept any criticism that comes your way. Because sometimes, we are also at fault. And we have to be willing to accept that.
Remember, it’s not you versus the other person. It’s you and the other person versus the problem
Third, and arguably the most important, is that if consistent violations of your boundaries persist, you might have to distance or cut yourself off from that person. I believe that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your peace for anybody, so sometimes this becomes necessary. Because in some cases, people won’t change their behavior to respect your feelings, so you have to protect yourself.
People all have boundaries, whether they know it or not. And no one deserves to repeatedly have their feelings and wants be disregarded by others. So this is really a last resort for a relationship that’s causing a disruption to your peace.
For me, I ask myself every time I finish an interaction with someone, “How do I feel right now?” If I feel drained or wonder why I had that interaction, I start really paying attention to and evaluating that relationship, and whether it is worth continuing. And I sprint like Usain Bolt towards any person that enriches me or makes me not wanna leave their presence.
It changes a little when you’re the person making you angry
The first two steps still apply. But you can’t really distance yourself…..from yourself. But there is a reason why what you’ve done has made you angry. So you need to forgive yourself, confront yourself, and find a solution that will work for you. Ironically, it can be harder to fix anger with yourself than with others, because you HAVE to resolve it. “What you resist, persists”.
The process is simple, but not easy. Be patient and kind, to yourself and others. These things take time
The main takeaway is this: anger isn’t always a bad thing, but is an indicator that something is wrong. Listen and address the cause, and you’ll be better for it
At the end of the day, we’re on this planet for a very short amount of time. We should try to live in a way that promotes our inner peace, which involves listening to when your emotions try to tell you something.
If you’re curious about your emotions, here’s an emotional color wheel that’ll give you an idea of how many emotions there are!
I want to thank you for talking humans with me today. How do you deal with anger? Let me know in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe and share. Catch y’all next week! Dueces!!