Hey, y’all! Been awhile! This week I’ve been thinking about one of the most important but most avoided aspects of any relationship: conflict. So pull up a chair and let’s talk conflict.
I have a confession: I’m not good at handling conflict
Ironically, I give pretty good advice about how to resolve problems with people. But I’m not very good at following that advice myself. It’s one of those things that has come back to bite me on several occasions. Even to the point in some cases of ending friendships.
So this particular topic is incredibly personal to me, as I’m sure it is for you. And my hope is that discussing this will allow all of us to have better, more fulfilling relationships. But let’s start with the basics.
What is conflict?
Conflict is “friction or opposition resulting from actual or perceived differences or incompatibilities“. I like this definition because conflict in our relationships doesn’t always result in disagreements or arguments. It can be something as simple as being irritated by your roommate not taking care of the dishes or playing Madden at 4 am. While some disputes are serious, it doesn’t always have to be.
I’m pretty sure we can all think of a moment when we experienced friction with another person. And if you can’t, it’ll happen eventually. It’s an inevitability, unfortunately. But there are a few things that are incredibly important to remember when resolving problems in our relationships.
Nip it in the bud
If you’ve never heard that figure of speech before, it just means you have to deal with shit quickly. This is where I struggle the most. It’s easier, at least in appearance, to let it slide. But the truth of the matter is that if you value the relationship, then you have to speak up if something doesn’t sit well with you. Because what will end up happening is that if you don’t say anything, it’ll probably happen again. Why? Because the other person doesn’t even know it’s an issue. This can lead to resentment since it’s like opening an old wound.
Resentment is one of those emotions that can eat you up inside. I use this quote from the Buddha often, but “holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” So it’s important to speak up when you see something you don’t like.
It’s not you versus the person; it’s you and the person versus the problem
This is a big one. But also a point that is easily forgettable. The reason being that it’s easy to interpret someone’s actions as being malicious. And while that might sometimes be the case, more often than not it isn’t, and it’s important to remember that. This is where being empathetic comes in.
Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Ask them, don’t attack them. And don’t assume anything. The first is important because you don’t want to put them on the defensive. Remember, it’s us versus the problem. And the second is important because you only want to deal with facts, not conjecture. Explain what you didn’t like and how it made you feel, and give them a chance to explain. The key to conflict resolution is listening to the other person. So make sure you’re heard, but make sure you hear them as well.
Be respectful
This one is easier said than done. Trust me, I know. When emotions are high and you’re in the heat of everything, it can be very easy to fly off the handle or say something off the cuff. But no matter how good it might feel at the moment, it will only make things worse in the long run. And that’s what we care about. We’re playing the long game; chess, not checkers. And being respectful makes the process a lot easier. Even if the other person is not doing the same, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. In fact, it just says more about who they are as a person, and being respectful says tons about you.
Accept the result
This is probably the hardest part of the process. And it’s so deep that it deserves its own newsletter, so I’m not going to dive in too far here. But we have to always be evaluating our relationships and where they fall in our lives. And it’s possible that even if we do everything to resolve our conflicts, that that relationship might not have a place in our lives anymore. That’s super tough to deal with.
So we have to know that, as with anything in life, our relationships are fleeting. It’s important to immerse ourselves in them, be active participants, enjoy them, and cherish them. But when the time comes, we need to let them go and deal with wherever the chips land. I would argue though that if you’re reflecting on that relationship, it will be apparent whether or not it should continue. Either way, do what you can, and accept the result.
Thank you for talking humans with me this week. How do you handle conflict? Let me know in the comments below. Share this with one person that you think will get something out of it. And don’t forget to talk humans with someone this week. Until next time, ciao!