Let’s Talk Lifestyle: Friendship

Hey y’all!! This week we’re gonna talk about something that everyone and their mom has to deal with: friendship. It’s an interesting topic with much to discuss. So without further ado, pull up a chair and let’s talk friendship.

Last weekend I went to a wedding in Raleigh, North Carolina

The ceremony was indescribably beautiful. It’s really amazing to see two people so madly in love. And it’s dope to see the support systems that come together to help individuals through their lives, through the highs and the lows. Friends and family coming together to celebrate a couple coming together forever. Which led me to think about the nature of friendship.

Friendship is a subset of a relationship

I feel like it’s important to make this distinction for a few reasons. Most of the time, when someone talks about a relationship, we tend to think they’re talking about their significant other. But that’s not really the case. Any time you form a kind of bond with someone or something, you create a relationship with them.

A friendship is just a specific type of relationship that has a few distinctions.

True friendship involves two things: interdependence and voluntary participation

Think about every friendship that you’ve ever had. And I’m talking about real friendships. The ones with people you confided in, that you hung out with on a daily basis, the ones that you were excited to be around. What did those have in common?

I think these two facets of friendship capture the essence in a very real way. Let’s talk about them more in-depth.

In the animal kingdom, there are three types of symbiotic relationships

Mutualism is a relationship in which both participants benefit. If you’ve seen Finding Nemo (and if you haven’t, it’s a damn good movie and you definitely should change that), Marlin and Nemo live inside a sea anemone. Clownfish are unaffected by the sting tendrils, so they can easily live inside them, while their predators are kept at bay. And the clownfish protects the anemone from marine life that would eat it. So both parties benefit.

Commensalism is when one participant benefits, while the other isn’t harmed nor helped. Think about a spider building a web on a plant. The plant doesn’t gain or lose anything, but the spider gains shelter and protection.

Parasitism is the third relationship, where one entity benefits to the detriment of another. I know most people hate mosquitoes (especially if you live in the Southern United States). They are a form of parasite since they drink the blood of humans and animals in order to survive. On top of that, they can transmit diseases through their bite. Basically, nobody but the mosquito gains anything from a mosquito bite.

True friendship is a mutualistic symbiotic relationship

Which means it’s based on interdependence. Both people that are involved benefit from the friendship. Now, that’s not to say that the benefit will always be 50/50. Any type of relationship is a sliding scale, with participants at any given time giving more or less depending on what’s happening. And that’s ok, it’s difficult to constantly give everything all the time. As long as the effort is being made.

And people have many different types of friendships. Some friendships involve going and doing things together, some involve confiding and providing emotional support, and some involve mentoring and being mentored, to name a few. Most friendships are hybrids of some kind. And they are all beautiful and needed. The important part is that both people are benefiting.

But like any relationship, a friendship isn’t always easy

At some point, there will probably be conflict. I’m pretty sure than every one of us has experienced this at some point or another. It’s basically guaranteed when interacting with other people since no two people will agree on everything all the time. And no one will have exactly the same perspective as us. So it’s important to approach friendships with empathy, and try to understand where the other person is coming from in these moments.

Because what’s the alternative? The death of a friendship? Is that worth it leaving conflict unresolved? One thing I’ve personally struggled with in my relationships, which is incredibly ironic since I’m all about swift conflict resolution, is broaching tough subjects with people. But the truth is that leaving matters unresolved will eventually come back to affect the relationship. That might be through festering negative feelings, a change in the dynamic between us and our friend, or ending the friendship altogether.

I once gave a piece of advice to a friend, one which I sometimes struggle with. I told them that “If you’re both really friends, then you should be able to talk it out“. It’s important to have those discussions because many times the issue stems from both parties in the friendship. Or someone might not realize there’s an issue. And if it’s a true friendship, then it’s probably worth having that tough conversation. And usually, those tough conversations strengthen, rather than weaken, those friendships.

That being said, if the issue has been brought up and still persists, especially if it’s been broached multiple times, it’s important to consider if that friendship is important enough to continue. Which leads to the other facet of a friendship.

Friendships have to be voluntary

We can’t force people to be our friends. There has to be a voluntary decision of both parties to participate in that relationship. I can’t walk up to some random person, be like “we’re friends now”, and then drag them to the gym with me. And in reality, is that something that any of us would want? The voluntary aspect of friendship, the fact that people want to enjoy each other’s company, is what makes the whole thing so powerful.

Look at all of your friendships. In all of your real friendships, there are people who value you, cherish you, want to help you grow and succeed, and care about you as an individual. And you probably feel the same about them. And that’s the cool thing about friendship: everybody wants better for everybody. That is a conscious, nonmandatory decision made by us.

That also means that the decision to partake in the friendship is volitional as well. We don’t have to be in “friendships” where people continually drain our happiness, abuse us, or detract from our well-being. We can make the decision to forgo those parasitic relationships for real friendships that boost both parties. Or, if we just grow apart from other people, we can accept those changes and differences, and move on to find something that fits us better. That being said, it’s important to determine the cause of the rift before we cut off the friendship.

How do we make friends though?

That’s a tough question to answer, but I feel like it entails three main steps.

First, we’ve got to get out of our comfort zones. Making and keeping friends involves being willing to step outside of what we’re used to. That usually involves going to new places, trying different activities, and, most importantly, talking to new people. That’s not saying that you need to go somewhere different every day or talk to strangers constantly, even though that might help. It’s about being open and willing to experience things that are outside of your norm.

Second, we’ve got to be ourselves. For some people, this might seem counterintuitive, especially if it’s not in your nature to walk up and talk to random people or go places by yourself. The main thing is not faking who you are to impress people or get them to like you. That almost always backfires or has you in a friendship based on a lie. So it’s important to be your authentic self. Not only will it be easier for you in the long run, but it’ll also ensure that you’re only forming friendships with people that like you for who you are. Incidentally, that would solve quite a few problems.

Third, we’ve got to manage our effort. That sounds kind of weird but bear with me. Every friendship requires us to put forth effort into maintaining it. But if we find ourselves in a situation where our effort isn’t being reciprocated, we need to evaluate our involvement, determine how much effort to give, and accept the outcome regardless of what happens. There are times where we need to give more to balance out when our friends are going through things.

But there are times, especially when beginning a new friendship, when we’re more interested than the other person

We, therefore, put more effort into trying to make it work. Those require evaluation to determine if it’s worth putting in the work. And no matter what the decision is, we need to understand that not everyone wants to be our friends, not everyone belongs in our lives, and there are people whose lives we don’t need to be a part of.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And we’ve got to take time to determine where people fall in our lives. Because that can have a dramatic effect on our lives and well-being.

So where does that leave us?

Friendship is an important aspect of life that has numerous benefits. And as we talked about when we discussed The Secret War, isolation can have terrible effects on us as social creatures. But even more than that, the quality of our relationships often determines the quality of our lives. So it’s vital to ensure that the ones we choose enrich us and fulfill us.

I want to thank you for talking humans with me today. If you vibe with the content, please subscribe! And if you know someone who might get something out of it, please share! As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, so drop a comment, hit me up using the Contact Me page, or find me on Instagram @ryokeniii. Also, don’t forget to talk humans with someone this week. Seeya!